Family Key - Divulging Abuse From In

Among the hardest pieces of news a family can hear is from within. To learn that another has been, mistreated by a member of your family, a close relative you've understood all your life, is devastating. I know because I've been on both sides of that coin, both recieving the news and declaring it to my own relatives. For the PTSD sufferer it's one of the bravest but most difficult steps towards healing. By unveiling the secret, breaking the quiet and putting your experiences and your soul out in the open for those you love most to question and understand, you are curing. The decision to tell family members that you simply have PTSD - and maybe more significantly, what the trauma which caused it was - is one that many sufferers agonize over.

Imagine if they don’t believe me? I am going to create a rift in the family. I am upsetting the apple cart. It’s in the past so there’s no point causing all this heartbreak -- these are only the beginnings of various trains of thought a sufferer will probably go through when debating whether to tell ’ or not. It's hard when the perpetrator is not a part of the family, a friend, perhaps, in the case of sexual abuse. However, if the abuser and the victim share the same family, it becomes young and abused a good deal messier. Everyone knows what you as a survivor of abuse have been through, and once the naming and shaming of the abuser is out there, there’s no going back.

So, what if you’re the family member who’s just been sat in a front room, having made a pot of tea, only to have the get together blasted into smithereens by son, granddaughter, your daughter, neice or nephew? They’ve not slept for weeks (PTSD plus the do-I, don’t-I debate), and now they’re silently sitting with the teacup still shaking on its saucer, anxiously anticipating your response.

Engage your brain before you speak. Your emotions are high, you don’t know what to think, and the picture of both the person who mistreated them and the man before you has been shattered like glass on concrete. Blurting out “I don’t believe you cause them to question themselves and their recollections, possibly activate an emotional flashback, will ostricize the sufferer and make you the target of hurt, frustration and rage. Perhaps you can’t reconcile the picture of the accused with the accusation, but that does not mean it didn’t happen. So, think before you do and speak n’t sabotage the bravery it took for the sufferer to tell you.

Please, don't go and begin a fight with the accused. It helps nobody, least of all the sufferer. Going over there and having it out will lead to everything being denied by the abuser, retaliating, perhaps attacking the original victim or yourself. The victim has just lost it, if there is evidence that could be used in legal proceedings should they follow.

Remember that ‘outing’ an abuser is extremely brave choice for the sufferer, and they will be exhausted. A game of 20 questions isn't proper right now! To have been trusted enough to discover that they have suffered from abuse and developed PTSD because of it places you in a privileged position. Remember that, and attempt to refrain from asking about all the details of the abuse, the duration, if anyone else was involved, or the dreaded "why didn’t you tell us earlier?” Some of the answers won’t be clear to the sufferer (hint: specially the last one), and some of them hurt too much to talk about. The time will come where you learn the facts of the trauma and the impact on the sufferer’s life since. Now is n’t it.

Enough of the do not’s. What should you do? Listening is significant; being there and taking time to hear the sufferer is the best gift you can give them. Maybe the relief of having someone in the family know will bring about an outpouring of despair and emotion. Be there for them, and allow them to know that you are available to speak with, if and when they desire. Offer support and give them the safe space they'ven’t had to vent how they feel. On the flipside, the person with PTSD might totally freak out and not want to say another word. Listening is still important in the silence. Make the man you love feel safe and supported and free to speak, or not speak, request help, or not.

Do things that are normal with this individual. Them having PTSD doesn't define them nor should it define your future relationship with them. Take them out, encourage them to meet-ups (without the abuser present) and value them for who they are. As with tons of mental illnesses, occasionally socializing seems tough, but if you get blown off or rejected, continue inviting them while also letting them know it is ok for them not to join. Patience and compassion is the name of the game.

Also, look after yourself. Chances are the news has come as a jolt, and you are now fighting with conflicting emotions regarding the abuser, particularly when you understood them well and are close to them. It truly is understandable to be bewildered and upset, so take a little time to process the info. Frequently it is helpful to speak to someone you know, for example counsellor or a friend, about your feelings. Getting an external view from someone who doesn’t know the abuser or the PTSD sufferer can be useful. It is easy to feel like anything you do or say will be wrong, but frankly, you understand the individuals involved and the way to talk to them. Trust that knowledge and instinct.

I am only able to speak from personal experience, but there’s a nugget or two of advice in this piece to assist you to discover about the abuse than can occur within.